Deepak Chopra on life's dilemmas
Wife, not mum, is the centre of a man's life. I've been married twice. The first time was a love marriage and this time, it's like a typical Indian arranged marriage. I've been living with my husband for more than two months now, away from his parents as well as mine. Now, the bone of contention between us is his mother, whom he wants me to obey and please. I have explained many a time that there's a limit to how much I can do.
My husband too was married before and his previous marriage was destroyed mainly because of his mother's intervention. Now, I fear that he expects me to keep his mother with us forever. —Ramya I think you need to engage in a serious discussion with your husband about what you both want and expect out of this marriage.
That doesn't mean demanding he make changes, nor does it mean him demanding that you live up to his mother's expectations. There are other options available to you, other than being a doormat to your mother-inlaw or leaving the marriage. Talk to your husband about the kind of a respectful partnership you want to create with him.
If you feel that his mother's interference would be a destructive influence in this early phase of your marriage, when the two of you are just beginning to know each other, tell him that. Offer that she visit you both some time later, when you have firmed up your marriage. He has married you, and you are now the centre of his family life, not his parents or siblings, not even his friends or career. The point of getting married is to create your own life with another. Having mommy coming to live with him two months into his second marriage suggests he hasn't cut the apron strings and really become an adult yet. Explain to him that her extended stay is not a good idea for him either.
It's time for him to stand up and tell his mother he doesn't need her running his life and marriage and that he is ready to make his own decisions. Be loving and gentle in your conversation with him, but at the same time, be firm and crystal clear. I find myself as the one having 'self referral', as you say in your book 'The Seven spiritual Laws of Success'.
People are attracted to me because my mind is like a magnet but I find it difficult to deal with them as most of them are 'object referral'. You also recommend meditation. As there are many types of meditation available, I need to know which will be the most useful. —Ashok For meditation, I encourage you to learn a bija mantra-based meditation from a qualified instructor. I don't recommend learning meditation from a book because you cannot follow instructions and monitor your mental processes yourself while you are simultaneously experiencing the quiet depths of the mind. Trying to monitor and guide yourself complicates the purity of the experience.
An exception to this would be sohum meditation which uses mindfulness of your breath as a mental reference. But your difficulty in relating to others will not be fully resolved with meditation. You need to look at your beliefs about others in general and see if you can find a different viewpoint that allows you to feel good about relating to those around you. To begin with, just because others see the world as 'object referral' that doesn't mean you can't enjoy their company. How you relate to them ultimately depends on your awareness about finding the good that is there for you. What you take away from that interaction does not rest upon how they see the world.
So don’t encourage a belief that creates an imaginary barrier between you and others. I am 35 and have been married nine years. I am trapped in an unhappy marriage and although I know the best thing for me would be to end it, it's not really possible to do that. I tried to end it 18 months ago but my family persuaded me to give him another chance. My feelings have not changed. The reason things have gone bad is because he is so tied to his family that his life is dictated by them. There is nothing I share with him at the moment.
I live away from him on weekdays and visit him only at the weekend. We don't even share a bed. He is happy with this arrangement. I find myself getting attracted to other men and feel guilty about it as well. I am with him just because I feel he will be lost without me. I can't imagine my life without this misery. —Benita I think you can probably include yourself among those you no longer trust. I suggest you meditate or adopt whatever spiritual practice you have an affinity for in order to re-establish a sense of trust in yourself and your own inner guidance.
It is important that you reset your natural tendency to seek joy in life. At the end of your list of external reasons for feeling unhappy, you say you can't imagine your life without this misery. If you honestly can't imagine even the possibility of relief, then upon what basis could improvement be seen, even when your outer circumstances change? Cultivating your consciousness to allow for something positive is where you need to start.
You are missing the underlying issue if you think your misery is entirely dependent upon what your husband does or does not do. If you are sure you can't carry on with your present husband, make your decision and go forward. To say you are staying with him because he would be lost without you sounds disingenuous. You only see him on weekends, don't sleep with him and don't feel close to him.
You are interested in other men. Much of your misery is a consequence of your desire to have a family with a man you love and respect, running against your fear of social rejection by his family and your doubts that you will find what you want after you do leave. The truth is you don't know what will happen if you leave, and the pressure from his family probably will be difficult, but that's not as bad as the miserable stagnation you know you will experience with the status quo
My husband too was married before and his previous marriage was destroyed mainly because of his mother's intervention. Now, I fear that he expects me to keep his mother with us forever. —Ramya I think you need to engage in a serious discussion with your husband about what you both want and expect out of this marriage.
That doesn't mean demanding he make changes, nor does it mean him demanding that you live up to his mother's expectations. There are other options available to you, other than being a doormat to your mother-inlaw or leaving the marriage. Talk to your husband about the kind of a respectful partnership you want to create with him.
If you feel that his mother's interference would be a destructive influence in this early phase of your marriage, when the two of you are just beginning to know each other, tell him that. Offer that she visit you both some time later, when you have firmed up your marriage. He has married you, and you are now the centre of his family life, not his parents or siblings, not even his friends or career. The point of getting married is to create your own life with another. Having mommy coming to live with him two months into his second marriage suggests he hasn't cut the apron strings and really become an adult yet. Explain to him that her extended stay is not a good idea for him either.
It's time for him to stand up and tell his mother he doesn't need her running his life and marriage and that he is ready to make his own decisions. Be loving and gentle in your conversation with him, but at the same time, be firm and crystal clear. I find myself as the one having 'self referral', as you say in your book 'The Seven spiritual Laws of Success'.
People are attracted to me because my mind is like a magnet but I find it difficult to deal with them as most of them are 'object referral'. You also recommend meditation. As there are many types of meditation available, I need to know which will be the most useful. —Ashok For meditation, I encourage you to learn a bija mantra-based meditation from a qualified instructor. I don't recommend learning meditation from a book because you cannot follow instructions and monitor your mental processes yourself while you are simultaneously experiencing the quiet depths of the mind. Trying to monitor and guide yourself complicates the purity of the experience.
An exception to this would be sohum meditation which uses mindfulness of your breath as a mental reference. But your difficulty in relating to others will not be fully resolved with meditation. You need to look at your beliefs about others in general and see if you can find a different viewpoint that allows you to feel good about relating to those around you. To begin with, just because others see the world as 'object referral' that doesn't mean you can't enjoy their company. How you relate to them ultimately depends on your awareness about finding the good that is there for you. What you take away from that interaction does not rest upon how they see the world.
So don’t encourage a belief that creates an imaginary barrier between you and others. I am 35 and have been married nine years. I am trapped in an unhappy marriage and although I know the best thing for me would be to end it, it's not really possible to do that. I tried to end it 18 months ago but my family persuaded me to give him another chance. My feelings have not changed. The reason things have gone bad is because he is so tied to his family that his life is dictated by them. There is nothing I share with him at the moment.
I live away from him on weekdays and visit him only at the weekend. We don't even share a bed. He is happy with this arrangement. I find myself getting attracted to other men and feel guilty about it as well. I am with him just because I feel he will be lost without me. I can't imagine my life without this misery. —Benita I think you can probably include yourself among those you no longer trust. I suggest you meditate or adopt whatever spiritual practice you have an affinity for in order to re-establish a sense of trust in yourself and your own inner guidance.
It is important that you reset your natural tendency to seek joy in life. At the end of your list of external reasons for feeling unhappy, you say you can't imagine your life without this misery. If you honestly can't imagine even the possibility of relief, then upon what basis could improvement be seen, even when your outer circumstances change? Cultivating your consciousness to allow for something positive is where you need to start.
You are missing the underlying issue if you think your misery is entirely dependent upon what your husband does or does not do. If you are sure you can't carry on with your present husband, make your decision and go forward. To say you are staying with him because he would be lost without you sounds disingenuous. You only see him on weekends, don't sleep with him and don't feel close to him.
You are interested in other men. Much of your misery is a consequence of your desire to have a family with a man you love and respect, running against your fear of social rejection by his family and your doubts that you will find what you want after you do leave. The truth is you don't know what will happen if you leave, and the pressure from his family probably will be difficult, but that's not as bad as the miserable stagnation you know you will experience with the status quo
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