What You Resist, Persists

DEEPAK CHOPRA offers suggestions on how to turn over a new leaf, handle a brat and tide over marital discord

I have been working in the same organisation for the last 27 years. I am reasonably comfortable financially, have no liabilities and do not have too many aspirations and material needs. While I am doing well and am appreciated for my work, I have started feeling distant and disinterested with the whole schedule of office and work; at times, I want to give up work and do things that hold my interest, such as reading, writing poetry, listening to music, travelling and working with the less privileged. However, some unknown fear and anxiety stop me. I have about three and half years left for retirement. Please advise. - Rajarajeswari, 55, Chennai

Let me congratulate you for having a positive problem. By this, I mean that you are not in actual threat of any kind but are suffering from growing pains. Life comes in stages, and each stage comes to an end. At that point, we enter a transition. Transitions are full of confusion and sometimes turmoil. Look at the transition we call adolescence, when childhood is upended and a new kind of life begins.

From what you tell me, your transition is relatively secure. You don’t mention marital dissatisfaction, troublesome children, health issues, or financial woes. In addition, your next phase, as it begins to dawn, is filled with things that interest you. Whatever happens, you are not riding out a storm; the anxiety you feel is normal and temporary.

Perhaps you might take advice from the inchworm, which reaches for a new leaf to perch on by keeping a secure perch on the leaf that is behind it. Start devoting more time to your real interests while securely doing your job, even as it declines in interest. I’m confident you will fulfil your duties until the time comes to retire.

My eight-year-old son does not take me seriously. He simply laughs away my advice and instructions.Worse, whenever I ask him to study, my husband tells me not to bother him, saying, “He has all his life to study, let him play now.” His class teacher complains he is the naughtiest and most troublesome boy she has ever known in her long career as a teacher. How should I handle this? - Ameena Ahmed, 38, Surat
Your only hope is to get your husband on your side, so take him to meet the teacher, make him sit down and listen seriously to the complaints against your son, and then tell your husband that the responsibility is his. Your child has his parents wrapped around his little finger. He has divided the two of you to seize power. No wonder the little dictator feels free to laugh in your face.

I assume there is a parenting issue in your husband’s background. Was he raised too strictly? Did he have to go to work too early and miss out on being young and free? Whatever the issue, it has blinded him to the reality of your son’s problems. In some way, your husband is living through your son, at a fantasy level. The ultimate victim of his blind spot will be your child, who for now isn’t headed in the right direction.

There is another side issue. If your son’s ‘naughtiness’ extends to hitting other children, stealing, bullying, or flagrantly flouting rules, there is a deeper psychological problem being expressed. Boys in particular act out their feelings. They do not want to say how they feel, and their bottled-up negativity gets played out against someone else weaker than themselves. I hope that the only problem is extreme brattiness. Kids grow out of it, fortunately, or at least they move on thanks to the growing up process.

Your patience will be tried for a while, but don’t rely on benign neglect. Keep stepping in to make a difference. If your husband will back you up, you have a chance at success.

We have been married for the past 10 years and we have a son. Both of us work to make a living. My wife and I differ on a lot of aspects of life and it leads to conflicts. I like to look at the positive side of people and things while my wife focuses on negatives. I always believe that happiness comes from our relationships with people close to us. Please suggest how she can improve her outlook and attitude.- Sanjeev, 37, Bangalore

This problem is about incompatibility. All relationships contain issues where agreement proves impossible. When each partner says, “My way is right, and I’m sticking to it,” negotiations stop. The two people are at an impasse, and the longer the impasse continues, the worse the impasse becomes.What you resist, persists. You resist your wife; she resists you. It now feels like a defeat if either side gives in.

The solution is to start negotiating again. I am sure there are many things about your married life where you settled the issue by going back and forth. One side gives a little; both sides adapt. The relationship moves forward and remains flexible. But when there is a serious impasse, as between your positivity and your wife’s negativity, it is likely that stubborn resistance will spread into other parts of the relationship. So going back to the bargaining table is not a ‘maybe’ in this case, but a ‘must.’

Here are some guidelines for learning how to negotiate, because I sense that you have lost the skill — and the will — but also that you have to be the one to make the first move:
1. Stop blaming the other side
2. Respect the other side’s position
3. Take seriously the fact that the other person could be just as right about life as you are
4. Take responsibility for your side of the disagreement, and if you can, take responsibility for more than your share. Bend over to be generous
5. Work from points of agreement
6. Only address issues when both parties feel good. Don’t negotiate when secretly you are just arguing and trying to win
7. Don’t be competitive. This isn’t about you winning and her losing. When a relationship suffers, nobody wins
8. Listen and learn
9. Call in an impartial mediator
10. When there are moments to be close physically or emotionally, don’t let them pass you by

If you want to take this whole thing seriously, sit down with these 10 points and a piece of paper. Write down specifically how you intend to act on each one. Once your list is complete, consult it every day and check off what you have accomplished. No check marks means no progress. I know that readers will be struck, unfortunately, by your tone of righteous smugness — all the good is on your side, if we are to take your account at face value, while all the negativity is on your wife’s side. I imagine that your attitude would make any spouse rebel and resist.

By: Deepak Chopra