Are you hemmed in by rituals,
disappointed by your parents or addicted to watching porn?
DEEPAK CHOPRA offers solutions to problems that take away your peace
I’m what most would call an atheist
because I do not believe in the existence of a god. However, I do follow
certain ethical and moral principles that are meant to improve the quality of
life not just for myself, but for all those around me as well. Is that not
enough? My parents, who are believers, get upset that I don’t participate in
pujas and other rituals like circumambulating the deity or chanting shlokas. I
love my parents and don’t want to hurt their feelings. How do I make peace with
my beliefs and theirs? Arvind, 19 years, Delhi
I congratulate you on taking an
ethical stand, and you are young enough to discover for yourself why God has
persisted for centuries. The Indian tradition, however, isn’t religious
at its core but spiritual. It takes as its foundation the personal experience
of people who have delved into their own awareness. There they have found many
kinds of experience. There is deep transcendence of the thinking mind, or
samadhi. There is the discovery of identity beyond the ego, which is Atman.
There is being itself, or Brahmin.
These experiences have been
validated countless times, so we know that they are genuine. We can also say
that India is the richest source of such experiences — it has been spiritual to
the core for thousands of years. Modern times have undercut these
long-cherished spiritual discoveries, and the appeal of materialism is strong
today. A poor country filled with expectations wants to see them come to
fruition. There isn’t really a conflict between wanting worldly success and a
rich spiritual life, so I hope you don’t feel that you must choose one or the
other.
In your family situation, the
conflict is over ritual practice and ceremony. If you can please your parents
with a daily puja, I think it shows respect and close bonding to comply. There
is no point in creating distress unless you find puja so hollow and meaningless
that you would be untrue to yourself by performing it. The choice is
yours,
naturally. However, as you mature, you will find that these
time-honoured rituals are not primarily offered to God but to your own higher
Self.
The only person I have ever loved
truly in my life is my mother. My world, however, shattered with the
realisation that my mother cares for me, not out of love, but out of responsibility
and because of her helplessness in her inability to move out of her marriage. I
feel I will never be able to love someone again though my heart is brimming
with unexpressed love and compassion. Nikita,
20 years
I think you are over-dramatising
here. Children must discover that their parents are not perfect, either in
their love or their ability to protect. Reading between the lines, I sense that
you are a shy child who feels the need to be protected. You have turned your
mother into an ideal of love; therefore, when she disappoints you, your
reaction is very strong, like that of a child. The moment of finding out that
she isn’t perfect should have occurred long ago. Now it has arrived late,
and you find it hard to cope
Let’s say that your mother’s marriage has been unhappy. You
cannot rescue her, and if her love for you has been harmed by her bad marriage,
I am sorry for both of you; but you are becoming an adult, and her problems are
not your own. Your unexpressed love needs a new outlet, one that is good for
you as an adult. Perhaps finding a serious boyfriend would be too great a leap.
But try and make friends your own age who can freely discuss love,
relationships, and sex. If you are too embarrassed, find an older confidante,
an aunt perhaps, and talk with her about your feelings. In any event, your
mother may feel bitter at this moment, but no doubt she once loved you very
much and still has such feelings somewhere inside.
This is my last year of graduation.
I want to appear in competitive exams, but I can’t concentrate on my
studies. I’m addicted to watching porn. How can I get rid of this habit
and focus on my studies? Sushant, via
email
I know that many readers will
find this an un savory question. The use of the Internet for arousal and
gratification is very commonplace, but society doesn’t condone it and hardly
finds ways of thinking about it. India, like many societies that have kept
sexuality under wraps, suddenly finds the floodgates open. It’s no wonder that
the young, in particular, are like children let loose in a candy shop.
First of all, I doubt that you see
much reason to quit your habit. Second, it’s free and available, so there are
no outside boundaries to hold you back. Third, it’s in the nature of any hunger
to return again and again. These factors limit what I can offer as a
solution. The best course, if you want a genuine first step, is to find a
friend whose judgment you value. Tell him you are addicted to Internet porn. If
he’s a true friend, he won’t condemn you or turn this into sport. The next time you should be studying, but instead go online
for porn, call your friend up and tell him what you are doing. Repeat this
every half hour. Don’t ask for advice or a scolding. Just get out of the secrecy
pattern by telling someone that you are watching porn. This step will keep you
from being hypnotized by the haze of desire. I hope this helps.
thechoprawell.com
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