How To Live When Your Loved One Is Gone

LEARNING TO LIVE - ANURADHA VARMA

Losing your partner in your twilight years is tough, says Anuradha Varma, but you need to move on. Losing a spouse can be tough, that too when you are no longer young. Known as the Widowhood Effect, it leaves surviving spouses feeling lonely, lost and depressed. Experts say that dependence on a spouse begins to increase once the children grow up and leave home. Losing a spouse means losing a confidante and companion. Clinical psychologist Seema Hingorrany explains, "I hear many people say that they don't know who to share their problems with anyone anymore.

They feel the children are busy with their own families and work. They feel that no one can take the place of a spouse". Those who lose a partner in their twilight years, she adds, "go through extreme loneliness and depression, which could lead to physiological problems. There is also insecurity that accompanies advanced age". 

A time of great stress
Research shows that immense grief may cause many to die within three years of their spouse's passing away. Elderly care-giving spouses are at a 63 per cent greater risk of death than older people not caring for their mates, according to the American Medical Association.

In a study involving 58,000 married couples, researchers at St Andrews University found that 40 per cent of women and 26 per cent of men died within three years of their partner. A study published in the Internal Medicine Journal in 2009 also reported that such bereavement can cause elevated heart rates, particularly during the early weeks.

Lack of will to live 
Shweta (name changed) remembers her father, in his late 70s, losing the will to live after her mother died. Any effort to elevate his mood remained unsuccessful. He passed away a year later. Another elderly gentleman in his 90s was leading an active lifestyle, but the death of his wife saw his health deteriorating.

At times, even having a large family around doesn't help the grieving spouse. Remarks psychiatrist Anjali Chhabria: "For some time, the partner may need some time and space to deal with the grief. Old memories hound you for a while, since you have spent almost your entire life with that person and shared everything, emotionally and physically, which makes the absence unbearable.

You meet people or go to places which remind you of your spouse. Elderly couples report they don't feel like living themselves after their partner's loss. However, avoiding and isolating yourself is not an appropriate solution".

Get independent 
Support structures play a crucial role here. Points out Chhabria, "Handling your spouse's responsibilities and liabilities once the person is no more causes more stress. Picking up the pieces without your partner may not be easy. However, dealing with loneliness, emptiness and the depression is most important". People who are still active and independent tend to move on faster than the ones who have been financially and emotionally dependent on their spouses.

How can one survive such loss? One way is to stay occupied and gain independence.

Chant Hare Krishna and always be happy